I miss you
24 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Wishes
I didn’t think I would miss you, after all that we have been through.
I thought that I would get over all of this pretty quickly, that I would distract myself, keep myself busy. I hate that it was a petty argument that broke us. I cant help but miss you, even though it makes no sense. we make no sense…
I just wish things were the way they used to be.
You always hurt the ones you love
24 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Thoughts
I had a terrible day today, I knew it was going to be bad from the moment I woke up.
I hurt someone I love today. Said things I shouldn’t have said. I don’t know whats wrong with me, why I continuously need to push people away, when they get too close. It feels like I am in this viscous cycle of hurting the ones I love and regretting it instantaneously. I have a terrible temper, which, I cannot seem to get rid of.
You may never know what you truly mean to me, I will probably never be able to tell you. I wish I could tell you that all the anger in me is not your fault, it never was, this is pain that has built up over the years. I take it out on you sometimes, I will be honest with you. I don’t know why I do it.. but it seems like, I take out a lot of the anger I have on the people I love.
I don’t know how and if I will ever get over this. I am glad that you and I are not for the long run, that you and I are fleeting.. Because as perfect as you think I am, I am not. My flaws override everything that you think is good in me. I know you look at me and wonder why I think this way, why I hate myself so much, I know it hurts you, it puzzles you and you want to fix it. You cant fix me, you cant take this away and I will tell you right now, that the only thing I can give you in the long run is misery. I seem to break everything I touch, I seem to hurt the ones I love.
You make me happy, and I know it didn’t sound like that today, but you do. I’m jaded beyond repair and I refuse to take you down with me. I hate being this resentful, angry, complex person. But most of all, I hate hurting you. This was a worthless fight, based on nothing. I am sorry.
I know now that the short time I have with you, we deserve to be happy. We deserve to smile and laugh.
I want you to have the best of me, whatever little of it is left. You deserve no less.
You.
18 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Thoughts
I let you in; show you my scars, my unhealed wounds, the pain in my eyes that I mask from the rest of the world. I feel like you get me, it feels like you want to understand me, to heal me, even. It feels like you are a manifestation of my dreams, everything I have ever wanted in my other half.
You confuse me with the way you move, the things you say. Sometimes I watch you intently, trying to understand the complicated thoughts that must be going through your head. How is it that someone so honest and transparent about everything, is so difficult to read? You tell me so little but make it seem like you are baring your soul. You’ve cut through my defenses and I can’t even dent yours. You bring out insecurities in me that I never knew I had. You are my secret keeper, the person guarding a piece of my heart. You are paradox that has me wrapped in knots.
It scares me, how I feel about you, how quickly you got under my skin, into my head and buried yourself deep into my heart. How does someone so unassuming take over my thoughts, dreams, wishes, desires and prayers?
I saw a look, a glimmer in your eyes, something I couldn’t put my finger on… I think I mistook it for forever and now I don’t know how to let you go.
Inspiration.. or lack of..
18 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Thoughts
So, it’s been a while since I blogged… It is not because I have been particularly busy… well actually no, I have been pretty busy… but it is more because I have been uninspired.
What a terrible thing to say, going through life uninspired is just the worst feeling… there are no butterflies in your stomach, you don’t get that amazing feeling of having hundreds of ideas slamming into your brain, to the point that you feel faint with excitement. Going through life uninspired, is the same as being in a relationship with no love, passion and excitement… you start to let yourself go, because you are just uninterested and pretty soon, it’s been months since you have written anything that is not corporate in nature, it’s been months since your soul was given the chance to breathe on paper. Your soul feels dead and you feel drained, spent and bored.
The best part about being uninspired is that it can’t go on forever; something has to come along and change everything. A change in events has to shift your life in a way, which is usual unexpected, that inspires you again. It feels like someone comes along with a lighter, wanders into the dark room that is your uninspired soul and flicks that lighter on. Suddenly, you are filled with this flooding warmth. It reawakens you and then you realize that you are inspired again, to feel, to think, to write, to be that version of you that you somehow forgot.
Falling in love is the ultimate expression of inspiration.
So, somehow a blog post that started off about finding inspiration to write… has ended up being a post about falling in love… and that is why it is a perfect reflection of my life right now.
