In a dream
28 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
It was late, some time past midnight.
The sounds of Matchbox20, Neil Young and Poison filled the cold, still night. I felt like I was drifting in and out of consciousness and nothing felt quite real. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcoholic haze that I was swirling in or if it was just the beginnings of a dream that I was drowning in. But I swear I felt you right next to me.
That intoxicating scent that is yours filled my senses and made me feel slightly drunk, it isn’t the cologne that you wear, it never is, it’s the heady fragrance that can only be described as you. We are such a mismatch physically, even in this dream, it didn’t look right… but one thing I’ve learnt by being with you, looks are deceiving.
You firmly but gently pull me close; it always surprises me how strong you are. I forget all the boundaries that keep us apart with you so close. You wrap your arms around me, squeeze me tight and hold me close. My brain stops functioning, I can’t breathe normally, my head starts spinning and my heartbeat races. But I know I’m home. It doesn’t matter how cold it is, you keep me warm. With your touch and the sweet things you whisper.
You tease me with your words, tickle me with your caress and take away all that hurts, smoothing down my rough edges. I don’t know how you have this effect on me, how you undo me so easily and leave me senseless and breathless.
You open me up and I can’t hide, somehow you draw every last bit of honesty from each pore in my skin. You unravel me thread by thread; until there is nothing left. It leaves me vulnerable to you. Secrets spill from my lips, things I never thought I would admit aloud, much less to you.
Just like that, you take down my walls; you untie all my chains, everything falls away and you grasp my naked beating heart in the palm of your hand.
You hold me closer and as I melt into you, I can’t help but wonder how something that feels this right, be wrong.
Another restless day…
27 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
I cant help it.. everything is falling apart.. I feel so restless. Anyway, I know I haven’t blogged about my deep admiration for Marilyn Monroe… Was reading up on her recently.. and I came across this quote.. it really sums up how I feel right now, Enjoy:
— Marilyn Monroe
Drowning.
26 Feb 2011 1 Comment
in Thoughts
To die by drowning must be one of the worst ways to go; now I haven’t had any experiences that even compare to drowning, so anything that I write here is my own opinion and is not meant to offend anyone.
I would imagine that when you are drowning, you struggle to gain control over the situation, over what is happening to you. You tire yourself out pushing against the current and trying to get things to work towards you, not against you. You probably feel frustrated because you can understand how something you know so well (like being able to swim) isn’t saving you from this situation. You use everything you have learned; in vain… this probably pushes you to the brink of frustration.
The pain sure doesn’t help, the pressure on your body, the terrible thoughts that are crossing your mind, is this the end? I didn’t get to say goodbye to the ones I love… Do they know that I love them? Where am I going?
So I googled it, I wanted to see if anyone out there had written anything about drowning, and what do you know… apparently drowning isn’t as dramatic as it is usually played out to be.. you pretty much get knocked unconscious before the water enters your lungs.
That got me thinking, that’s exactly how it feels like to have a broken heart, to be depressed or to be hurting. All you can think about is the excruciating pain of not having any control over the situation. You thought you knew and understood life.. but you didn’t… all those ‘life lessons’ you learned are not helping. And so you there you are so far from shore, that it seems like a distant memory, flaying your arms, trying to swim against a current that is way too strong for you in the first place. Knowing full well that you are drowning, with no control of how its going to end or how you feel, completely unable to change it.
Looks like we all drown in day to day life on a regular basis… just that it is more emotional drowning. Unsure if you are coming or going or how to save yourself from all the pain that is taking over your heart and making it hard for you to breathe.
The only thing about drowning in emotions is that you aren’t left with the comfort of knowing that it is going to be over soon.. instead you have to deal with the fact that you have to wake up to another day of feeling the same, or worse.
Dear 16 Year Old Gilded Butterfly,
24 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Letters
What a fucking mess you turned out to be. Trust me, right now you think you have everything figured out, that your whole life is mapped out and everything is going to run smoothly. Well guess what, you are wrong. You, my sorry, cocky, overly confident friend are very very wrong.
In light of the shit that you are going to go through in your life, I have a piece of advice for you – wipe that fucking smug smirk off your face and scrap all your god damn plans, they were never going to materialize in the first place. Live in the moment, what moment you might ask, THIS moment. Enjoy everything around you, your life right now is the best its going to be for a long long time. STOP taking all the amazing things in your life for granted.
Study, I know you are pissed off that they moved you to SL, I know you feel like you lost your chance at a half decent education, well seriously, get off your whiny horse, buckle up, work your ass off and you may have half a chance. You are way too smart for your own good. Learn to take advice, learn to listen to criticism, these things will help you grow up in ways that you can’t comprehend right now.
Spend time with your family, you might think your friends are important – they aren’t. You have two best friends you can really depend on… they will be there for you through all the shit that is going to go down, invest in being a good friend to them. Everyone else can suck your balls. They are not worth it and the sad thing was that they never were.
Be civil to mom, you are being a downright spoiled bitch towards her and she deserves better. So much better. You are lucky to have her around, make the most of it, hug her as much as you can, kiss her even more and tell her that you love her, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about doing so, because trust me, the day you cant do it anymore, you will hate your self. Eat dinner with her more often, going up to watch tv and have dinner is a stupid waste of your time. I cannot stress this one enough, make memories with mom and nangi, they will be worth more than your soul, your dreams and your aspirations.
Be smart enough to realize that you cannot make your dad happy, he is just an unhappy person and will never be satisfied until he puts you down. Learn to live with that, because you are going to need him and some times, very rarely, he can be half decent. Although, I warn you now, DO NOT be surprised when he lets you down, its in his selfish nature and it cannot be helped. Thank god every day for your sister. She is a gift from heaven and will be your saving grace through it all. Right now, you are contemplating suicide a lot, DON”T do it. She will need you in a few years and you will be the person that holds what is left of this family together. It is going to be hard and you are going to have your heart broken so many times that it stops hurting as it breaks and you become numb. But stay strong, you need to be there for your sister.
You don’t get a lot of things right. In fact you get a whole lot of things wrong, you will wonder why and how you became this person. It was a bad reaction to a terrible situation. But you can change that, you can be smart about how you live your life, you can make decisions that are good for you. Stop being such a brat and get your shit together, because I am telling you now, you are going to get a whole lot of things wrong. Make peace with the fact that you are a disappointment to yourself and your family. You didn’t turn out to be the bright star that they thought you would be. Thats ok, you can’t always get everything that you want. Come to terms with your life, because the more you resent your life, the harder it is going to be for you to be happy.
Men- fuck dude, you get this shit so wrong its not funny. I mean how did someone so tough become such a god damn fucking doormat. Its an embarrassment. There will be a few guys in your life, all of them have great characteristics and you learn something from each of them. But know this, none of them will be able to fix you, none of them will be able to complete you. Because you are too fucked up on your own. You need to figure yourself out before you can ever be truly happy with any of them.
SP, was a great guy, you acted like a drama queen and fucking shit up, when it didn’t need to be fucked up. Shame on you. You should have just enjoyed the innocence of love. Your relationship with him was pure and sweet and the most unjaded out of all your relationships. There is going to be a night a Molly’s when you move to SL, AVOID THAT NIGHT AT ALL COSTS. It screws a lot of things up, you will get bullied over it, you will get broken up over it. You go into it with good intentions, but the person who is also involved in that night is doing it to fuck you over and use you. You will never be the same again after it.
Chaz, is a good guy, he took care of you the best way he knew how. You went and screwed that shit up too. He loved you more than you loved him. You needed him and thats a terrible reason to be with a person. He deserves better than how you treat him. Be kind to him, he is going to go through a really rough time in his life and you need to be there for him. Because when your life falls apart, he will be there, the best way he knows how.. He will call you on occasion and give you advice and make sure that you are ok. There are very few people that are going to do that for you. Don’t worry he does get over you and he does find happiness. Just be nicer to him and seriously, stop with the drama.
Bear was a mistake, he is a sweet guy. But he can’t be trusted. He is way too intimidated by you. He wont be able to keep up with you, but he will be the most sensitive out of the lot. Be nice to him, he is only going to be around for 6months. I would advice you not to get into things with him, because he is not what you are looking for and you will end up breaking his heart. You two are polar opposites. But he will be there for you when shit hits the fan. Hes nice like that.
Chris, leave it alone. I know you want to marry him, its not going to happen. Some how it was never in the cards for the two of you. Maybe some day, but know that those feelings that you felt for him were real. They were special and he was good to you. Be warned, dont have expectations, if its meant to be, it shall be.
Jack, there are no words to put this one into perspective. In many ways it will be the best relationship and in even more ways, it will be the worst. You will see sides of you that you didnt think existed. All in all, its going to be an experience that I guess you will have to go through. Just know, that you need to be careful, or you are going to lose yourself. The best part of yourself. I know you think he is the one, but you are not ready for him. You cant be what he wants, and you will lose yourself trying.
There is so much I want to tell you, you are going to go through hell and its going to be hard. Your life is going to be a disappointment. Everything is going to go wrong. But you are strong. I don’t know why, but you are. Its your greatest strength and your greatest weakness. You are going to lose a lot, you are going to become something that you never thought you would be. You are going to make decisions that will scar you for life, you are doing to see hurt and pain in volumes that you never thought possible. You are going to hide it all from the rest of the world. You will cry yourself to sleep for months on end, you will be so cold inside that you won’t feel a single ounce of emotion, you will become eerily obsessed with things that are not healthy for you. You will try in vain to self destruct in many different ways, its not going to work. As badly as you want it to.
Rest assured, there is no one out there that understands you, there is no one out there that loves you and wants you to be truly happy; except yourself. Take care of yourself, watch what you eat, exercise, don’t dare take up smoking, drink in moderation and cut down on your use of vulgar language. If you do all those things, you might not end up to be the resentful, crass, mess of a person that is writing this letter.
I wish I could give you good news kid, but there isn’t much. Make the best of what you got right now and be prepared for some hard times that are going to test you in every possible way. I can’t tell you that things work out, because I haven’t figured out how this whole thing ends just yet.
But lets do ourselves a favor & have a little faith…
GB.
